Lara Kroft: Tomb Raider
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Daniel Craig, Iain Glen, Leslie Phillips
Directed by: Simon West
Running time: One hour and 33 minutes

Tomb Raider is, without the slightest shred of doubt, the dumbest summer blockbuster yet. As common consent says, the summer popcorn fare can be both dumb and enjoyable, but Tomb Raider misses the enjoyable part. In fact, it is the least watchable of the assortment of summer moneymakers. One could have some fun at Pearl Harbor or The Mummy Returns if one suspends disbelief. This doesn't work with Tomb Raider.

The combination of glossy production, adequate acting and competent editing was enough to make Pearl Harbor or The Mummy Returns at least tolerable. Tomb Raider can only boast the glossy production which makes it all the more frustrating - the dynamics and suspense of the film are in the league of computer games, that at their very best are capable of spawning a useful film and at worst floundering in Hallmark territory.

The production design is glorious and a proud cousin of its Indiana Jones counterparts. The underground city and the Dead Zone with the multi-armed Vishnu provide the inspired artistic goofiness you'd expect to see in a film like this. Yet when actors put on their pathetically serious faces, exchange hair-raising dialogues and start flinging their limbs around (to simulate monumental fights) with no grace or reason, the brilliant sets are nothing more than a frustrating reminder of what could have been great fun.

Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) is a spectacular babe who seems to have modelled her physique and dressing style on the wet dreams of many a computer game addict (come to think of it, she has done exactly that). She also lives in an 80-room mansion, with only a preposterous butler, a machinery geek, and hostile machines (which look a lot like Val Kilmer's metallic nemesis in the Red Planet) to keep her company. She appears to generate satisfaction for herself by combining a slick, tight outfit, a devil-may-care attitude, and an extensive academic grounding in archeology. This, one is tempted to note, happens only in two areas: in computer games and in films based on them.

Cut to Venice, Italy. Illuminati, members of a secret society, gather to announce that the day is nigh. For what? For the complete alignment of all nine planets of the Solar system, of course. So what? Well, when that happens they will be able to patch up a broken artifact, which allows people to control time. The problem is, they don't have either of the two parts of the artifact. They have to retrieve them before the alignment unless they want to wait another 5,000 years. That's when the next alignment occurs. They need a "tomb raider" to do this for them.

However, the Illuminati are the bad guys and Lara is good. Therefore, she is not going to help them reassemble the artifact and allow them to do terrible things, she wants to destroy it and fulfill the wish of her dead father (Jolie's real life father Jon Voight) who was an Illuminatum himself. Doesn't make much sense, does it? It makes even less sense when stone warriors and what have you start making a nuisance of themselves.

All that could have been great fun, but it wasn't. The fights are downright unimaginative and boring. Director Simon West (of the better summer film Con Air) looks like he is too afraid or too tired or too incapable of staging anything spectacular. On top of that it looks like he either commanded very little respect from the actors or simply had trouble working with them. Judging by what we see, it seems as if West decided to make do with the first bunch of actors he was offered.

Jolie is a more than capable actor, she has already won an Academy Award and all. But in Tomb Raider she looks out of touch. She seems like someone who needs a lot of direction to bring out the best in her and that fails to get it.

Fortunately, the stunning body and the adequate British accent are there. Still, she doesn't look too capable of putting up a proper fight - one is continually tempted to hit the "save game" button. Or even to give up on it altogether and press "exit game."