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Sun, Nov 22 2009
The English Angle: ‘I’ll fump yer...’
The latest survey reveals British holidaymakers are the most loathed of any nationality throughout the world. Well, by the time you read this I’ll be on the beach in Albufeira in the Algarve, which has been effectively colonised by British holidaymakers.
Although it’s not quite as crazy as Ayia Napa (Cyprus) or San Antonio (Ibiza), Albufeira is still a place where the Brits go primarily to get slaughtered.
During Euro 2004, when I was living in Portugal, Albufeira made the daily news bulletins on account of its rowdy football hooligans in an area called The Strip – a particularly tacky part of town. I was reporter on the scene during the tournament. A Sky News cameraman, built like Dolph Lundgren, was ‘interviewing’ the fans, obviously chosen for his physical stature. (I can see the selection process for cameramen back in the UK – "No, you look too wimpish, you’re get done, send ‘Big Dave’ over there instead."
A timid-looking Portuguese man swept the street, nervously draped in an English flag – obviously hoping to stave off attack. When I was there, some British guys threw a snooker table out of a bar onto the street below.
Thankfully, no one was passing by, otherwise some poor souls would have to spend the rest of their lives revealing that their relative was killed by a flying snooker table.
OK, this was Euro 2004, but, most summers, the Brits are not much better. In particular, Indian restaurants seems to attract the worst diners. In Albufeira, a trip to your local curry house will usually reveal a man so drunk that he’s nearly suffocating in his curry.
Arguments always ensue among British families, accompanied by the inevitable threat of violence to a wayward child: "I’ll fump yer, I will, if you does that again..." and usually a headache-inducing cross-restaurant conversation. "Where is you stayin’?" asks one table of another, 20 metres away...
Despite warnings, the Brits all get sunburnt and make the obligatory trip to the doctor where they get charged 40 euro to be told to say out of the sun, wear a hat and drink plenty of cold water. "That doctor, ‘e were really ‘elpful..."
I’ve been going to Portugal for 40 years. And so I can indeed verify we are the worst behaved foreign holidaymakers. We’re also the fattest by far. A walk along the beach tells you who’s who. The Scandinavians, Dutch and Germans are tall, pink skinned and slim.
The Brits are – for a reason known only to a student of racial sciences – a totally different species: shorter, thick-necked, white skinned (scarlet when in the sun) with rubber tyres for waists. The men all look uncannily alike, shaved heads, no-neck, thick arms, a permanent scowl on their faces and always tattooed.
But, unlike the British tourists, I can also verify that the Algarve beaches are still very beautiful. Just try and find a secluded one away from the Brits.
Although it’s not quite as crazy as Ayia Napa (Cyprus) or San Antonio (Ibiza), Albufeira is still a place where the Brits go primarily to get slaughtered.
During Euro 2004, when I was living in Portugal, Albufeira made the daily news bulletins on account of its rowdy football hooligans in an area called The Strip – a particularly tacky part of town. I was reporter on the scene during the tournament. A Sky News cameraman, built like Dolph Lundgren, was ‘interviewing’ the fans, obviously chosen for his physical stature. (I can see the selection process for cameramen back in the UK – "No, you look too wimpish, you’re get done, send ‘Big Dave’ over there instead."
A timid-looking Portuguese man swept the street, nervously draped in an English flag – obviously hoping to stave off attack. When I was there, some British guys threw a snooker table out of a bar onto the street below.
Thankfully, no one was passing by, otherwise some poor souls would have to spend the rest of their lives revealing that their relative was killed by a flying snooker table.
OK, this was Euro 2004, but, most summers, the Brits are not much better. In particular, Indian restaurants seems to attract the worst diners. In Albufeira, a trip to your local curry house will usually reveal a man so drunk that he’s nearly suffocating in his curry.
Arguments always ensue among British families, accompanied by the inevitable threat of violence to a wayward child: "I’ll fump yer, I will, if you does that again..." and usually a headache-inducing cross-restaurant conversation. "Where is you stayin’?" asks one table of another, 20 metres away...
Despite warnings, the Brits all get sunburnt and make the obligatory trip to the doctor where they get charged 40 euro to be told to say out of the sun, wear a hat and drink plenty of cold water. "That doctor, ‘e were really ‘elpful..."
I’ve been going to Portugal for 40 years. And so I can indeed verify we are the worst behaved foreign holidaymakers. We’re also the fattest by far. A walk along the beach tells you who’s who. The Scandinavians, Dutch and Germans are tall, pink skinned and slim.
The Brits are – for a reason known only to a student of racial sciences – a totally different species: shorter, thick-necked, white skinned (scarlet when in the sun) with rubber tyres for waists. The men all look uncannily alike, shaved heads, no-neck, thick arms, a permanent scowl on their faces and always tattooed.
But, unlike the British tourists, I can also verify that the Algarve beaches are still very beautiful. Just try and find a secluded one away from the Brits.
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"THE GERMANS ARE KNOWN FOR BEING TALL,PINK SKINNED AND SLIM." LOL:-) NO THEY ARE NOT! I THINK YOU HAVE THAT PART VERY WRONG! 'TIS A SHAME ABOUT THE WASTED SNOOKER TABLE THOUGH.
Have you ever seen somebody lick the chutney spoon in an Indian Restaurant and put it back? This would never have happened under the Tories.
True true true, I love the Algarve lived there one time,always refused to speak english when the sort of brits as described, easily identifiable, hove into view.I just wish they would go else where. There are some lovely brits but they don't make the news,like the low life.
Gabriel you obviously are unaware that the British Isles are made up of English, Welsh, Northern Irish and Scots. You mention that English flags were worn by holidaymakers and yes that will be true but you are referring to English people and not the British as a whole. If you had done your homework you will be aware that the Scottish Football supporters have on more than one occasion won the title as the best football supporters in the World as they did in France at the World Cup Finals and I have my medal to prove it. Please do a little bit more research before writing any more articles and making assumptions about other countries and their peoples.
It may be a superficial impression, but most of the British tourists that catch your notice these days do unfortunately fit this description. What happened to all the proper English folks that anglophiles around the world have always admired?
Nice Name
We are just a fun loveing Nation who send only a "Few Selected" Members each year on Holiday to represent us around the World come and see us in Britain as we are packing our Bag,s right now for Bulgaria this Year
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I love the way the Bulgarian press flower things up, yes it is true that there is a minority of individuals who cause misery wherever they go. Some Brits do have big mouths, big bellies,no brains and cause mayhem. They are the conservative party.
The issue of British tourists, if you don't like them just ban them then let the bank take your business from you and go back to your villages and grow grapes and potatoes. Love Brits or loath them they save up their money all year then p*** it up into your tills.
This comment has been removed by the moderator because it contained .
What a poor article. Pure snobbery, prejudice and only focusing in a sector of the population that pretty much every country has; but it's only in Britain (with such an efficient and scaled-up travel industry) where it's cheap enough for them to roam in such great numbers.
Are you sure you didn't make this up?
I don't see too many of these countries closing their doors to British tourists, either - tourists who, after all and however rough and ready, were instrumental in helping Spain and Portugal to move from developing to first world nations - and who are also helping do the same now for Bulgaria.
Bulgaria's tourist industry is already heading down like the Titanic because of poor accommodation in mafia-built mass-market blocks, poor service, rip-offs, high prices and surly attitudes - so be careful what you wish for when you add insult to injury by writing insulting articles such as this.
This is all too sadly true, but only the most discerning Brits visit and live in Balchik - a far more refined sub-set of the species.
All too true, alas. (I liked the bit about the billiard table !)