THE Cabinet has, I see, decided to endorse an entirely new underground movement.
For a rental of about 10 000 leva a year, you too will be able to rent a cave, according to the Bill on Caves approved by the ministers last week. Don't let the moss grow under your feet in taking advantage of this unique offer, because according to media reports, only about 10 to 15 caves are immediately available - specifically, those supplied with electricity.
Beware, however, that this is a long-term commitment, because the term of the concession is 50 years. That would mean I would be 93 when my Cave Era expired, provided that I had not myself expired by then. But at least my children would have the security of a cave-away-from-home.
Yet, even in the short term, there are many strong marketing points for considering a cave.
Those fearful of a BSP victory in this year's elections could wait out the Party's term of office in their little hidey-hole. No doubt, the next-door neighbours might be those waiting out the Bush II presidency. Further down Cave Street might be a few who will be using all electrical appliances bar a television set, the better to escape the next season of Big Brother or having to listen to one more entrant for the Bulgarian round of the Eurovision song contest. For that matter, I would not be too surprised if the producers of Big Brother might consider setting the next season in a cave. The Neanderthal behaviour of some competitors might be perfectly suited to cave-dwelling.
A few technical points. Apart from electricity, would the caves be heated? Do caves require this kind of thing? My experience, which is limited to the extensive chain of the Cango Caves, is that they are rather humid. More importantly, is cable internet connection possible, at very least so that one may stay online so as to know when it is safe to emerge, for example when the US runs out of members of the Bush family to install in the Oval Office? Is mobile phone reception possible?
Because, you see, you will not have a free hand in your cave. The Cabinet has provided for substantial fines for additions and alterations, to say nothing of the dire penalties for excising a stalagmite or stalactite or two.
It is not yet clear whether you would be able to doll up the place by adding a bison or two to the walls. Perhaps, if the Minister of Culture, as he hopes to do, wins control of matters related to caves, there may be aesthetic rules on this point. Bisons in a neo-primitive style may be allowed, but no impressionist, cubist, or post-modernist bisons. This is important to me, because I am rather good at bisons, even though they are the result of my younger daughter's insistence that I draw a picture of a "moo" for her.
Hopes of splendid isolation in one's cave may be dashed, however. According to the Cabinet decision, owners of property on which there are caves will not be able to restrict access to them "unless they are on sites involved in guaranteeing this country's security and defence". I can but speculate on what role caves might play in Bulgaria's security and defence; perhaps as part of some Doomsday scenario worked out by NATO, in which you as the tenant would be ousted from your cave so as to provide a post-Armageddon shelter for the Prime Minister and his ministers. I am not sure if I would want, in any case, to stay in a cave that has become infested with politicians.
One can well imagine the undergraduate wit that would characterise conversation at Cabinet meetings: "I have a bone to pick with you". "Neolithic period?" Ho ho ho.
Discarding any Armageddon scenarios, as it is, the guarding of the cave will be the responsibility of the person holding the concession, whom I imagine would also have to be holding a club, to get into the spirit of the thing.
Naturally, the Government has found a way to further bureaucratise the whole matter. Within the Ministry of Environment and Water, a National Council on Caves will be set up. (I have before quoted the late Bernard Levin as saying that there should be a typographical symbol meaning "I am not making this up". Consider it used here). I cannot but welcome such bold government initiatives to further reduce unemployment.
Another technical point, regarding foreigners renting caves. We know very well that the law requires foreigners to submit to the authorities their official address registration. I cannot wait to be behind someone in the queue at 48 Maria Louisa Boulevard, who is explaining to a bemused official, "You see, my cave is the third one from the left..."
If that foreigner even gets as far as Maria Louisa. Officials at immigration at the airport, on asking an arrival, "And where will you be staying in Bulgaria?" may not receive with good humour the reply, "In a cave, actually".
Then there are the bats. Infestations by Cabinet ministers, or possibly those who stroll onto your cave's forecourt to gawk at you, are one thing, but not everyone takes kindly to sharing their space with flying bats. However, the law is not clear on bats, which do not seem to enjoy the same protection as stalactites, which is where you'd be likely to find them, provided you do not find them in your hair. It may be a matter of time before we read in some online forum, say, batsinbulgaria.com, "Bats taste like chicken".
By the way, do not imagine that you will be safe in your subterranean shelter from Bulgaria's newest anti-smoking laws. The caves will be strictly non-smoking, and for that matters fires will not be allowed. Those bats will have to be fried, grilled, or done in the microwave; no roasting of bats being rotated slowly over an open blaze.
Hold on, I think I hear a politician coming. If anyone wants me, I'll be in my cave.